Old Blog Post(s) - "Elude From Nothing"

Speaking of that journey (as mentioned in a previous post), I also have the remains (some scrambled posts) from my LAST attempt at blogging, which will be set in stone here as a monument to my failures, but also to ashes reborn. It really will be an Elude From Nothing.

SOME WERE DELETED, I KEPT THE ONES THAT HAD SOME SORT OF VALUE

Bleeding Energy

I am bleeding raw energy, I swear it's true. Having a fast paced walk and sprint and terse face and the whole nine yards. Sometimes I'm not sure if I am actually living, because I disappear and reappear and will, floating in and out of existence with no feelings at all. I am a void. I scared the shit out of my friend today, I exited a class and was gone, and then appeared behind her to ask her to play ping pong and she jumped three feet in the air.

And then I heard my watch beep on the hour. It is the only thing that reminds me that I actually am alive: the passage of time. That, and the fact that I have moments of pure emotion that oozes out uncontained, where I feel like retching but no bile comes forth. I break down. And yet, it doesn't exist because no one has ever seen it happen. I am alive, but act as if I'm not.

Twice in two days have I broken into a flat sprint to expel the building energy.

Today God spoke to me. I drank a monster, and purchased a Rockstar, and as I was consuming it my grip slackened and it fell on the floor and spilled everywhere. Was he trying to save me, I don't know. I still have this uncontrolled energy...I am bleeding raw energy. 

Socialization

Today I felt both included and excluded at the same time. I went to this event called "Battleship" where different greek life organizations competed in rafts to try and sink others. I attended as part of an assignment for my intro to print journalism class. I had to take photos. While everyone else was there not only enjoying the event, but being invested in the proceedings, I was on the outside, looking through a camera lens (my phone, so I was also getting weird looks), not understanding or being part of what was happening. But why is that cause for surprise or hurt?

I have been on the outside before. No, I have always been on the outside. Sometimes I muse to myself that I got into journalism not to speak for the voiceless or some other noble cause, or hell, even money, but rather because nothing happens to me, nothing is ever really interesting, and I am searching for something to see. Also, I am not in a position to be documented, but rather it is my job to document the success, happiness, struggles, stories, LIvES of others.

I will edit this post soon (and timestamp it) after I sift through over 300 pictures, and attach like 5 or 10 here, just so you can also feel like you were part of the event. I won't.

TIMESTAMP - 10-2-18 02:43

Starbucks and loneliness

So I've finished my first week at Starbucks. I like it and hate it at the same time. I know what I am doing and learning what I don't quickly. I am getting paid more to do less, and getting to have a bit of fun. However, I still don't exactly like my coworkers, and it feels like a betrayal when I put on a green apron. However, I need this job for reasons of certainty, and will do my best to put my thoughts and fatigue aside.

It is in doing this job that I realized I truly am alone in this world. My coworker has a stream of people come in to say hi and talk to her throughout the night, I have not one single person.

After those first two days there was a fall festival in which I felt both included and excluded at the same time. I had fun, unlike battleship, but my only friends are RA's and people of administration. It's ok because, as Bryan said, it is a reason for me to stay (another one being him teaching me to tie a bowtie).

I just had to add the battleship pics because I forgot, so now there are only the three I submitted to The Current. Speaking of which, it has me stressed because I had to do that and Shark Speak and I will never get this stupid Service in the City story done and need to find another news story. I have been good at going solo these last few days, whittling my contacts and interactions down, and I may start doing some more writing, both here and in my Google Drive Writing portfolio.

I have a class in seven hours and hopped on here in the first place because my roommate was on the phone and I couldn't sleep but now I'm gonna drink some cheezits and eat some water...wait, and go to bed.

Later.

One Word In Front of the Other

What is writing?

form of progress

(REASONABLE ASSUMPTION), and what is progress?

In it's simplest definition it is going forward.

How do we go forward?

We put one foot in front of the other.

Therefore, using logical syllogism, of the form a=b and b=c. so a=c, writing is putting one word (foot) in front of the other.

I realized this today as I was slamming keys on something for class. I have been doing that a lot lately. Slamming, I mean. Slamming drinks together at Starbucks (from both sides of the counter - inventing and making), slamming words together (debating or just speaking), slamming keys (for class and for pleasure), and slamming the ping pong ball. However, I don't feel like I have really made any PROGRESS this week.

That begs the question, is this one of the cases where the whole is greater than the sum of its parts?

I am making steps in directions concerning all of my interests, both personal and professional, both for school and extracurricular, and still feel bound in one spot. I am not miserable this week, but am not moving forward.

I have also been kind of distant from people this week, and somehow my week is better than last week. Are those two things related?&

I wrote a poem about this topic, it is linked HERE

Later :)

This post is on time

This post is on time. That is to say it is timely, but also is concerning time. Maybe that is a pun, or maybe it isn't, because I don't know if what I write is either clever or funny anymore. The amount of misorganized, named, and strewn documents that has accrued is starting to drive me crazy, and I am going to start getting rid of them soon. It is actually easier to be alone lately than I initially thought, with the secret being moderation.

I will liken it to the way I handle entering an ice bath. Mentally steel yourself, and then slowly descend, one body part, one level at a time. You are prepared for the chill, and aren't forced to take it on all at once, and can selectively beat back feeling until you are submerged. Physical feeling is harder to cope with than mental ones, where swallowing fear and using it as energy alone are good enough. However, I am finally developing a method to cope with it, and soon it will be as "ironclad, airtight, and bulletproof" as the original.

But yes, I am prepared for this, and am slowly spending more and more time alone with myself, and not as actively seeking people to spend time with.

Time is the biggest adversary in this, of course, as I need to pass it to achieve solitude. (and yes, that is supposed to be a double meaning phrase).

Conviction - "Forever in search of the perfect cup of coffee."

Honesty - "It's the broken glass shards that make the most beautiful mosaics.

Loyalty - "I'm not sure if it's sunshine or a train, but I'm game if you are."

CHANGE

Today has been A DAY

Swallow your fear and use it as energy

All the world is a stage and all of life is a play...the show must go on, how did you advance.

I just dumped my own personal philosophy out there.

As If

I haven't written in a while because...Probably because I'm too lazy, but I honestly don't even know.

I went legendary in ping-pong.

I went legendary in caffeine consumption.

I feel legendary in my writing.

My classmates did me a disservice in critiquing my work today, because they misinterpreted what I wrote. Yes, I will now make it clearer, but damn, that was annoying. I have to edit that trash pile that may become a full novel, and pull a speech about pumpkin spice out of my ass.

Floor signs happened today.

Perfect cappuccino happened yesterday.

"crackhead" and "try-hard" seem to be my go-to phrases at current.

In all the time I've been alive, never once have I actually questioned my own purposes this many times. Never once have I actually stayed away from people as much. Never once have I found so much comfort in my pain. I can't even logically put into words anymore what I am, what I want, what I need, or where i'm going. Where are all the people that "care about me" at two in the morning when